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Valentine’s Day Horror-scopes

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Here are some unpleasant tales that will most likely await the signs this Valentine’s Day.

 

Aries: Aries, you and your significant other are on a romantic walk along the beach. You both stop, turn, and look into each other’s eyes. You lean towards them, going in for the kiss, but misjudge just how much you should be leaning forward. You lean too much and fall into the ocean, landing on a jellyfish that the tide pulled in. You’re rushed to the hospital.

Taurus: Taurus, your significant other has been telling you about the illustrious plans that they have set for you two on Valentine’s Day, leaving you very excited. You get ready and go to the location asked of you. Upon arrival you see a beautiful picnic and a large bouquet of flowers. Excitedly, you run over to the items and touch every single one of them. You have an allergic reaction to the flowers. You’re rushed to the hospital.  

Gemini: Valentine’s Day is finally here, Gemini. You’ve been amped for it since last Valentine’s Day, when your significant other ended up in the hospital due to your lack of culinary skills. This year, you were determined to fix that. You had attended a culinary course, working up your skills until the day. Your significant other shows up, right on time, and takes a seat at your candlelit dining room table. Upon sitting down, a candle falls and lights the table on fire. The meal is burnt, as well as your lover. You’re rushed to the hospital.

Cancer: You are deeply in love with your significant other, Cancer, being positive that they’re the one for you. You have plans to spend Valentine’s Day with them at your local park. Once you have arrived, you see your significant other sitting on a bench looking up at the sky. Curious, you look up to see what they are admiring. To your surprise, you see an airplane spelling out the question, “Will you marry me?” You run to your lover, ready to exclaim your acceptance of their proposal. As you get closer, they realize you’re there and point up to the sky. You look up, to humor them, and realize there is a second airplane. This airplane is spelling out, “I am breaking up with you.” You look to them, confused. They just walk away. You fall to the ground, brokenhearted, and simultaneously break your wrist due to the awkward landing. You’re rushed to the hospital.

Leo: Leo, you are lovestruck this Valentine’s Day! You and your significant other are set to have a romantic evening out on the town. As you guys are walking down the street, a cheesy Valentine’s Day decoration that was previously hung on a store’s wall falls down and strikes you in the head. You’re rushed to the hospital.

Virgo: Virgo, your Valentine’s Day is expected to be very interesting. You’ve been online chatting with your significant other who is a wealthy cardiologist at the hospital nearby. The day of, he texts that he wants to see you after he gets his very large paycheck after his last surgery of the day. You’re rushed to the hospital.

Libra: Treat yourself, Libra. You’re alone this Valentine’s Day and feeling blue without a date to keep you company. As the dreary holiday passes, you decide to finally leave your dingy bedroom and enter into the world of rekindled romances. Eventually, you find yourself in the land of single and desperate, otherwise known as the Valentine’s clearance section at your local supermarket. Of course, the discounted chocolates are just calling your name. You buy twelve boxes of Russell’s assorted chocolates, six packages of Ghirardelli squares, and out of necessity, four bags of Hershey’s kisses. With no regrets at first, you go straight home and consume every sweet treat but one. Shortly after your satisfying act of self-gratification, you realize the error in your ways when each sickening morsel of cocoa leaves your body out the same way it entered. While every sugar molecule thrushes its way out of your stomach, you are rushed to the hospital.

Scorpio: You must learn to welcome the good and the bad, Scorpio. This Valentine’s day your significant other will give their promise to you in the form of a ring. Choosing to spruce things up, your sweetie forgoes tradition and decides to gift you a Ring Pop during your romantic evening at the town’s dusty movie theater. Though you find it a bit corny, you wiggle the strawberry flavored candy onto your finger and notice that it’s a bit tight. Later in the film, after you’ve eaten buckets of extra-salty popcorn and you are surely bloated, you realize that your finger has expanded so much that the ring is cutting off your circulation. As your finger grows twice its original size, turns a deep shade of purple and throbs like a broken heart you begin to panic. No amount of popcorn butter will get the ring off of your finger and you are left out of options. You are rushed to the hospital.

Sagittarius: Try something new, Sagittarius. You are single this Valentine’s Day and hoping to spread the love around you. Making sure to go all out this year, you buy a thousand Valentine’s cards to give out. You make sure to write a sweet note on each and even lick the envelope yourself. Unfortunately, your hard work reaps harsh consequences. It turns out that the cheap envelopes are lined with toxic glue and after ingesting copious amounts, you have been poisoned. You are rushed to the hospital.

Capricorn: Be forgiving, Capricorn. It’s Valentine’s Day and your significant other has great plans for a romantic date. To start off the holiday your partner sends you on a scavenger hunt which has you collecting various gifts around town. After finding sweet treats and shiny accessories, the clues lead you into the woods where you are hoping you might find your date. Hours pass since you entered the thick brush and you are officially lost. You see signs plastered on trees up ahead and start to run in their direction. Suddenly, you are impaled in the thigh by a flying arrow. You might believe that Cupid has struck you with a love arrow, but sadly it is not so. Obviously, you make a terrible deer. You are rushed to the hospital.

Aquarius: Be careful, Aquarius. An old love will soon re-enter your life along with their bad karma. On Valentine’s Day you wake up unsuspecting of your exe’s plan to win you back. As you are preparing for a fun night with your closest friends, you begin to hear the obnoxious rumble of a lawn mower’s engine. Trying to find the source of the sound, you peer out your window only to see your ex attempting to recreate Patrick Dempsey’s redemption scene in “Can’t Buy Me Love”. Annoyed, you quickly stomp outside to remove the deranged lover from your yard. While you yell at your ex warning them to leave you alone, they decide to fully commit to the movie scene and try some of Dempsey’s advanced lawn-mower stunts. Ironically, just as you are threatening amputation, your ex attempts a move from which they can’t quite recover, leaving the vacant machine darting your way. You’re rushed to the hospital.
Pisces: Less is more, Pisces. Valentine’s Day is all about you this year, and your significant other is planning to smother you with love. When the holiday eventually arrives your sweetheart has showered you with gifts, including an enormous teddy bear. You are ecstatic about the stuffed animal and can’t wait to snuggle up with it. By the time night rolls around you already have the gigantic plush toy in your bed, keeping you nice and toasty while you sleep. Unexpectedly during the night when you are comfortably catching those Z’s, the hefty bear collapses on top of you and leaves you breathless in your sleep. You are rushed to the hospital.

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Valentine’s Day Horror-scopes