Thanksgiving horror-scopes

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)


You FINALLY have a break from school and your family decides to gather at your house to watch some Thanksgiving football. The only issue, you don’t know the first thing about football. Regardless, you watch the NFL game with your family without knowing what the heck is going on. All of a sudden, your dad and your brothers jump up from their seats and yell “TOUCHDOWN!” You get so scared and the first thing that comes out of your mouth is “HOME RUN!” The rooms turns silent and everyone looks at you with disgust. Two days later, you parents disown you and put you up for adoption…all because you’re an Aquarius.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20)


Right before Thanksgiving dinner, you hold hands with your family and participate in the traditional prayer. Everyone takes turns in revealing what they are thankful for and when it’s your turn to go, you say, “Michelle Obama’s arms.” Five seconds later, your family starts chasing you with stakes and knives. While running away, you trip on your dog Rex, and your head ends up inside the dinner turkey (like Monica from “Friends”)…all because you’re a Pisces.


Aries (March 21 – April 19)


You are usually a giving person, so you decide to donate canned goods to your local food bank this year. You’ve been saving up cans of food since January, and are super excited for this month. So, you gather all the cans from your pantry and personally deliver them to the food bank. Everyone greets you with a smile as you hand them the bag of food. Two days later, the food bank calls you and asks you where you are. When you ask why, they tell you that you sent them expired cans of dog food instead, and the people who ate them fall into a deep coma . The police arrest you and on the way to the station, the public starts throwing balls of dog food at you. And all the people in your city hate you…all because you’re an Aries.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)


It’s Thanksgiving dinner and so far, everything is going swell. From one end to the other, the table is packed with food for everyone. And of course, right next to the main table for adults there is kiddie table where all the children are sat at. At first you are placed with the little kids, but your grandma asks you to sit at the big table with the “grown-ups.” You are happy, until your family starts asking you about your grades and college goals. You decide to bring out the beer to distract them. And you can’t leave out the apple cider for the kids. After 30 minutes, you notice the children talking really loudly, even louder than usual. When they get up from the table to use the bathroom, they have a hard time walking straight and repeatedly fall over. You grasp the situation quickly and grab a “beer” from the adult table and take a sip. It’s apple cider! You accidently switched the beer and apple cider and your family calls the police and report you. You are charged for supplying alcohol to minors and have to pay a $10,000 fine…all because you’re a Taurus. 


Gemini (May 21 – June 20)


There’s a masked serial killer on the loose this Thanksgiving who goes by the name of The Butcher. Your town becomes obsessed with the murderer and everyone locks themselves indoors to stay safe. You and your partner, on the other hand, think the murderer is just a myth and attend the annual harvest festival for kicks. Even though you know it’s for kids, you decide to try the corn maze activity and win the grand prize. I mean, nobody else is participating so, why not. Your partner came up with the idea of entering separately to see who would complete the maze in the least amount of time. You knew you would win so you immediately agree. As you rush to finish the maze you hear a chainsaw coming from behind you. It’s The Butcher! He slices off your neck and stabs you in the chest with a knife. As your head rolls around on the ground, the last thing your eyes see is the murderer taking off his mask, and you were shocked at what you saw. You were murdered by your partner…all because you’re a Gemini.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22)


Unfortunately for you, November is NOT your month. Lately you have been having a problem with snatching a significant other to cuddle with, but you currently found a new babe to crush on. For the past three months you’ve constantly been trying to grab his/her attention by stealing their PE clothes, collecting all his/her fallen hairs, and writing cute messages like, “I know where you live:),” on his/her locker. You finally gather the courage to ask your new crush out to the local harvest festival, but he/she asks, “Only if your friend is going.” All three of you end up going to the harvest festival together, and your friend and crush share a romantic kiss on the hayride while you are put in charge of taking pictures of them…all because you’re a Cancer.


Leo (July 23 – August 22)


Thanksgiving this year is being held at your grandparents’ cabin in the woods and you’ve been given the great honor of preparing the turkey for dinner. Being the lazy Leo that you are, you wait till the last minute to go to Albertsons and buy it. Lucky for you, you found a coupon in a magazine you were reading the other day and got a $10 discount on your turkey. But everything goes downhill from there. You return to your house and quickly put the turkey in the oven. Panicking, you decide to heat the oven to 500 degrees fahrenheit instead of 300, thinking it would speed up the process. As soon as you are about to turn it off, your little brother asks you to do a TikTok video with him. I mean, you can’t say no to THAT. You end up having too much fun making videos and forget about the turkey. Suddenly, you see smoke coming from the kitchen. You rush to find the cause of the smoke and see your oven is up in flames. The fire was too big to put out with a fire extinguisher, so your family has to evacuate the cabin. From outside you watched the flames burn the cabin down, which eventually spread to the surrounding trees, creating a forest fire. Your family call the police on you, and you are arrested for arson…all because you’re a Leo. 


Virgo (August 23 – September 22)


It’s the morning of Black Friday and you decide to wake up early to get in line for the new iPhone 11. You have been waiting for 10 hours already and the line hasn’t moved an inch. Suddenly, you come up with a great idea to get people out of line. You point in the direction of a nearby store and yell, “OPRAH IS GIVING OUT FREE iPHONES!” Everyone rushes to the next store, and with a smirk, you strut to the front of the line. You glanced back at the foolish customers one more time, but you were horrified at what you saw. At the store you pointed at, you see the ACTUAL Oprah Winfrey handing fans the newest, unreleased iPhone 12’s. And to make matters worse, the little boy before you in line bought the last iPhone 11…all because you’re a Virgo.


Libra (September 23 – October 22)


You come from a family of hunters and it’s been a tradition for years to capture your own turkey for Thanksgiving instead of buying one. Of course, it’s always your older brother making the best kills. But this year, you are finally going to show them who’s boss. While hunting for fowl, your family spots the biggest turkey they’ve ever seen. Without hesitation, your big brother fires his gun and takes the bird down. Going to deliver the final blow to the head, you approach the turkey and aim your gun right between its eyes. You can feel its pain and sadness flowing through your soul. And in that moment, you become vegan. You pick up the turkey and attempt to carry it to safety, but your brother spots the bird and fires his gun again, accidentally killing you…all because you’re a Libra.


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)


For some people, Black Friday is the day people splurge and buy the most expensive clothes and cars for themselves at a cheaper price. For you, it’s a day to get some early Christmas gifts for your family. At Target, you find the Kenmore Elite 31150 Pet-Friendly Bagged Upright Vacuum that your mom has been wanting for months! But there’s only one more left! As soon as you are about to grab the vacuum off the shelves, a huge, burly man reaches for it at the exact same time. You both turn to look at each other with eyes of fury. Immediately, you rip the vacuum out of his hands and sprint to the check-out stations. Just as you are heading towards the cashier, the giant of a man comes back and socks you in the eye. Which HURTS. “This person is trying to steal!” the man shouts. Customers notice the commotion and come over to beat you up in an attempt to stop you. Someone even starts pummeling you with the Kenmore Elite 31150 Pet-Friendly Bagged Upright Vacuum that you were about to buy. You leave Target with 26 broken bones, 13 stabs in the chest, and one missing eyeball. And no hospital will admit you…all because you’re a Scorpio.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)


You are still embarrassed from when you accidentally hit your crush with your car while he/she was trick-or-treating, so for your birthday you desperately wished you could travel to the past and redo that terrible moment. And trust me, you got your wish. You wake up on your birthday in the 17th century, the day of the First Thanksgiving. Unfortunately for you, you couldn’t handle the large amount of stress on your body during the time travel and you transformed into a turkey. In the distance, you see the Pilgrims and Native Americans getting ready for a feast. They spot you from afar and soon you are being attacked with guns, arrows and spears. You try to communicate with them, but all that comes out of your mouth is a gobble-gobble sound. You’re eventually caught and become the main dish that connects the Pilgrims and Indians together…all because you’re a Sagittarius. 


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)


You hesitantly walk through the front doors of the Thanksgiving party with your PSL (Pumpkin Spice Latte) in your right hand and your 32 oz teal Hydro Flask in your left. The problem is, you don’t actually want to attend the party, but your best friend blackmails you by threatening to publicly release your embarrassing TikTok videos. To make matters worse, your notice your ex is also there, you know, the one who cheated on you during spring break. You try to enjoy yourself by dancing, but you suck at it and everyone starts pointing and laughing at you. Your Thanksgiving is ruined…all because you’re a Capricorn.