HORROR-scopes for the spooky season


Halloween is just around the corner, but unfortunately, this year will be darker than expected. If you think you can get away without something going wrong, you’re in for a surprise.


Libra (September 23 – October 22)

This Halloween season doesn’t work in your favor. Once you get that super sick costume you wanted, you feel great. But then your dog pees on it right as you’re about to leave for the big party, and you’re left with nothing to wear. You panic because this is your crush’s party and you know you need to make a good first impression, so you scramble around your closet for something else. With no luck, you decide to check your parents’ clothes, and you finally find something! You rush out the door and head to the party, and everything is going great. You ask your crush if they like what you’re wearing and you think they’re going to say yes… until your crush notices something off about your costume. People around you start snickering, and it doesn’t take long for you to realize that written on the backside of the costume, the words “We’re pregnant!” are engraved in green. Not only are you absolutely petrified, but your crush is really uncomfortable.  And that’s why you die alone.


Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your birthday may be during spooky season, but that doesn’t mean Halloween doesn’t suck for you too. You decided to have your birthday party on Halloween, and you invite as many people as you can. After spending hours decorating and setting up food, the time comes for it to start. Your annoying little brother tries messing with some decorations, but you think you stopped him in time before he caused any serious damage. As people start to arrive, you start to feel super confident, so you decide to turn down the music to thank everyone for coming. Your friends listen attentively until one of the big decorations falls from the ceiling and hits a girl in the head, knocking her out. Everyone freaks out and you try to help the girl, while your brother grabs the mic and says, “Guys, I knew it! My brother/sister was planning to kill that girl tonight and make it look like an accident!” He drops the mic and runs as people gasp and step away from you. Before you know it, everyone is leaving your party, and one of the girl’s friends has picked up her unconscious body. You are now seen as a murderer. And that’s why you die alone.


Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21) 

Mario Kart Tour has just been released, and you’re absolutely obsessed with it. Your parents have lost touch with you, and the only friends you have are the ones on that game because you won’t pay attention to anyone at school either. Since you’re so obsessed, your grades have dropped significantly, and your teachers are all disappointed. You decide to dress up as Mario for Halloween, and you treat everyone like they’re a character in the game too. This annoys everybody, including your dog, and no one wants to be around you. And that’s why you die alone.


Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

On Halloween night, you’re kidnapped by a super scary cult that makes human sacrifices regularly. Tonight, you’re one of them. Lucky you. Nobody back home realizes that you’re gone, so no one comes looking for you. Turns out, you’re imaginary, so you don’t exist. Somehow your existence was wiped away, and any proof of your existence is gone. Thus, the cult forgets they ever kidnapped you and they sacrifice someone else, so you’re left by yourself in a cage. And that’s why you die alone. 


Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Lately you have been super clingy to your significant other, so they break up with you out of annoyance. You’re sad, because everyone knows that high school relationships last forever, nothing ever goes wrong, and there’s never a problem with honesty. Now your heart is broken and you don’t know what to do, so you decide to move to Canada where everything is different. Unfortunately, the Canadians in your new town don’t like Americans, so on Halloween you’re left with no plans. In fact, your only friend is the old mouse living in your attic. And that’s why you die alone.


Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Somehow a black cat got into your house on Halloween, and his behavior has been kind of freaking you out. He hardly moves, doesn’t sleep, and his eyes are red. You want to get rid of him, but you’re simply too scared. You are a Pisces after all. As you’re passing out candy to the kids trick-or-treating, you hear a massive BOOM from the kitchen. You quickly finish putting candy into the children’s bags, close the door, and rush into the kitchen. You spot the cat walking on his hind legs making pasta. The big crash you heard was the cat (or whatever he is) going through your pots and pans. At this point, you’re terrified, so you use one of the pots on the floor to knock out the cat. He’s unconscious for the rest of the night, and when animal control arrives, they discover what you did to him. Now you’re busted, and everyone is appalled by how you treat innocent animals. And that’s why you die alone.


Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You Aries folk are probably the most feisty zodiac out there, and it gets the best of you this spooky season. After getting suspended for fighting the kid that stole your nachos, your parents ground you, so you can’t go anywhere for Halloween. But obviously no one can tell you what to do, so you decide to go out anyway. You don’t even bother being secretive about it; you just walk out of the house despite your parents telling you to go back to your room. Your friend (also Aries) picks you up and you start speeding down the highway. You begin ranting about how no one understands you, and how none of this would have happened if that stupid kid would have kept his hands off your nachos. You both get so heated, you decide to egg his house, but then you realize you don’t know where his house is…you only know the street. The solution is clear to you though: just egg the whole street! After vandalizing over seventeen houses, the cops show up and you and your friend are arrested. Now your parents are REALLY mad, and they ground you for life. And that’s why you die alone.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

For Halloween this year, you’re stuck taking your little sister and her friends out trick-or-treating. You aren’t happy about this, and the girls won’t stop nagging you to drive faster, buy them McDonald’s, and let them play games on your phone. Your parents keep checking in on you to ensure that everything is going well, but you’re already so exasperated you decide to have a little fun. You tell the girls they’re going to an escape room for kids, and they burst with excitement. In reality, you’re taking them to the most feared haunted house in town. You send them in, and from outside you can hear little girls screaming as if they were right in front of your face. When they come out, they’re crying, and two of them have wet their pants. Somehow you don’t feel guilty, so you happily take them home, satisfied with yourself. You think you actually got away with this, until the little girls tell their parents and inform yours about what happened. Before you know it, everyone hates you, including your little sister. And that’s why you die alone.


Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

This year’s Halloween is supposed to be different for you. Last year sucked, as did the year before, and the year before. It’s sucked for sixteen consecutive years, and it’s time to change that. This year you decide to go to your friend’s party, in hopes that you’ll have a good time for a change. Once you’re there, you start dancing with your crush and eating some food. You’re so occupied with how attractive your crush is, that you don’t pay attention to what you’re putting in your mouth. You accidentally mistake your friend’s new puppy’s poop for chocolate covered almonds! Even worse, you don’t realize your mistake until it’s too late. Disgusted, you throw up all over your crush, who stands there in shock. For the rest of the school year, you will be known as the kid who ate dog poop on Halloween. And that’s why you die alone.


Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

On Halloween, you wake up in an altered reality. You’re stuck in Friday the 13th, and Jason is out there… You receive word that he’s on one of his killing sprees, even though it’s the 31st of the month. Jason kills your pet dog, cat, fish, porcupine, toad, gopher, and giraffe, leaving you grieving with the worst pain. Those animals were your whole family, and now they’re gone. Jason spares your life, but not before stealing the food in your pantry. By the end of the night, you have lost your family and your food. Tragic. And that’s why you die alone.


Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your sister’s engaged and her wedding is scheduled for Halloween. The ceremony is beautiful, and you get emotional as your sister walks down the aisle and says her vows. While the couple proceeds to take their wedding pictures, you notice her new husband acting strange. During the reception, you give a speech, but it’s hard to concentrate because your new brother-in-law is staring at you with eyes that look almost demonic. Then, you see what you think are devil horns coming out of his head! You freak out and finish quickly, running outside to try and piece together what you just saw. Your sister comes after you and asks what’s going on. You try to answer, but you can’t make a sound. Then the groom joins you both, and he looks like the best depiction of Satan you’ve ever seen. Turns out, he’s a demon, and he decides to curse his newly wedded wife, sending her down under. And that’s why you die alone.


Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You just received an invitation to go on a blind date on Halloween at an unknown location. You have no idea who you’re meeting, just that they will be wearing a black shirt and white jeans. When your ride picks you up, they blindfold you and start driving. Finally, you arrive and when you look at your surroundings, you realize you have somehow been teleported to Egypt, and your date is Cleopatra. She looks like a zombie because she’s, well, dead, and you feel extremely uncomfortable. After only five minutes of awkward silence, everything disappears including Cleopatra, and you find yourself isolated in the middle of the Egyptian desert. And that’s why you die alone.